[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Phones down.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?