Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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My god she’s good.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.