Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
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At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
cat vs inanimate object
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.