As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
They grow up so quick
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.