[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.