“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
As the Lord intended
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
A short story of betrayal:
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet