You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.