i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”