whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.