I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
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me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
When someone trying to leave me
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Wish all of my viruses were this polite