A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You Might Also Like
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
How do you like your Corgi?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
This week’s mood.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.