Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
got so much cardio in today
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
fired
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The two types of wives
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers