Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
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So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The glockness monster
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake