Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork