There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.