HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
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When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Is this a threat?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
🙀🙀🙀😹
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.