When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
At Walmart during the holidays like..
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another