* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
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I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood