Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.