Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*