[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!