My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!