“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
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Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.