[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
You Might Also Like
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you