Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
How to find Kentucky on a map
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Blew my mind.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”