My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
You Might Also Like
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.