Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”