Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
You Might Also Like
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
the official breakfast of 2021
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps