FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.