One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.