Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Sheep
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I am patiently waiting for your email