*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
What even happened today?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another