I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You Might Also Like
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
When can I start eating bats again.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Yup….perfect score!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture