Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station