Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?