My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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Breaking news:
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.