Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
HELP 😭
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard