Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”