“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Monday Lisa
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am