If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
This is the one
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?