PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
sliding into dms like
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!