Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?