sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now