genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Lmao 🤣
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king