HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
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Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.