huge valentines day plans this year!!
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me