Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part