My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
How do dragons blow out candles?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.