I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Worth remembering.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please