I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i鈥檓 working on some pretty big stuff too
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
#TopTip
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Her: I鈥檓 hungry. If you loved me you鈥檇 give me breakfast in bed 馃槈
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name鈥t’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.馃ゴ
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Apparently I can鈥檛 enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?